The 4 stages of life

How to find out if you are an adult yet.

I often envisage what a truly healthy and harmonic world would look like. A just world where we are all free to express our souls calling, live in harmony with each other and the natural world and find elegant solutions to our personal and collective issues.

This is not something I do sitting on a mountaintop gazing longingly onto the plains below. It’s a higher vision that more or less sits in the background of my waking consciousness and permeates almost every single one of my decisions to varying degrees. And then I wonder, “Does anyone else feel this way too?”

It can be easy to pray for a utopian society where everything is perfect but I don’t believe this is the antidote. The concept of protopia may point towards a more realistic pursuit we can all get on board with.

Similar to any concept grounded in perfection, utopia dismisses the messy nature of life. Attachment to specific outcomes based on unrealistic or unattainable ideals can lead to disillusionment, conflict, and unintended consequences when pursued without considering the complexities of human societies and nature.

If me and my partner constantly fight over the toilet seat - global unity may present some challenges.

Does the ICJ deal with toilet seat protocol?

Protopia, on the other hand, means changing the world through gradual improvement. It's one of the main reasons why I think reading and writing are such a force for good. Inserting mythic ideas and conceptual frameworks into the culture, helps me help you widen the realm of possibilities.

We don’t learn many of the things we need to learn to be happy, healthy human beings in the places that are responsible for educating us. As Anthony de Mello once shared: “I got a pretty good education. It took me years to get over it.”

In the WEIRD world (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic), we are encouraged to live lives of predictable security, material comforts, and bland entertainment.

On top of that, most of our leaders have a vested interest in representing and sustaining this unsustainable status quo. So, naturally, it will take time.

The great test then becomes unlearning the things that have steered us virulently off track and learning to reconnect with the divine intelligence of nature. To connect deeply with ourselves, those around us, the land and the spirits.

A world without adults

Understanding we live in a world that lacks truly initiated adults and elders is a useful lens to support our collective evolution.

One of the main reasons why we have seen an explosion of coaches in the past few years is because of a lack of mature role models who hold deeply embodied wisdom and are respected and integrated into our communities.

These initiates into the contours of the human psyche can guide and support evolving minds and spirits into healthy, loving expressive people from childhood, to adolescence to adulthood and eventually elderhood.

Of course, gone are the days of cosmic sages who would the keys to the universe in a glint of an eye - our elders are kept away from us at every opportunity.

Instead of excavating the decades of sage advice and maternal/ paternal guidance that only lived experience can bring, we shy away from one of the few reminders of our own mortality and flick them into care homes at the earliest sign of fragility.

Enter stage left, hordes of 24-year-old life coaches, countless insta-therapists, and wellness grifters promising you that True Happiness™ awaits at the end of this six-week program/ supplement/ masterclass.

So what are the four stages of life? How can we use them to support our collective growth? What makes an adult? And how many of us can truly call ourselves one?

It all started as a child…

The focus here centres on establishing trust, and security as well as shaping a foundational sense of identity rooted in immediate surroundings. This stage is characterised by a need for safety and nurturing but also nurturing a healthy sense of curiosity and exploration.

It is quite easy to pass over the importance of this stage due to its early nature, but we create the basis of our personality at this age. Some studies indicate that up to 70% of memories are formed before the age of five. Most of these memories are stored in the subconscious body, operating beneath waking awareness yet significantly influencing our day-to-day.

In cases where severe trauma has been experienced, people may grow up chronologically but remain emotionally and psychologically stuck at the age when the wounding occurred. This can manifest in various ways, such as difficulty forming healthy relationships, coping with stress, or regulating emotions.

It’s also possible for us to revert to these stages when met with triggers that remind us of the original wound. These triggers can cause us to react in ways that are disproportionate to the current situation as if we are reliving the traumatic event.

Ever start acting like an actual baby when you don’t get your way?

This often points to unhealed parts of ourselves that arise due to insufficient attachment at an early age. This can cause abandonment wounding or difficulties in creating intimate relationships. Any healing work that doesn't incorporate connecting to the inner child is like building skyscrapers on sand.

Most parents simply cannot meet the demanding needs of parenting in the modern world. It is completely insane to expect two overburdened adults who are struggling to meet the needs of their kids with little to no meaningful community support inside a brick box for 18+ years.

So of course, the majority of us in the WIERD world will pick up a few scars from our childhood. Until we can reveal, feel and heal these patterns we are destined to be at the mercy of these triggers as they point towards areas in our life that the inner child needs reparenting.

Smells like teen spirit

We are then ushered into adolescence without honouring the fact we are entering a completely different chapter. One that brings with it exciting new possibilities as well as its challenges.

You wouldn’t start a new part of the story without concluding the previous one, but for some reason we think putting on a different uniform and going to a bigger school is sufficient enough to mark this transition from childhood to adolescence.

Adolescence, in this particular context, needs to be stretched beyond our current understanding as a chronological age range (our teen years) to a psycho-spiritual life stage. You can be 45 years old, exhibiting all the markings of what we consider adulthood in modern society, but still be psychospiritually stunted, and emotionally stuck at a teenage level.

This is the phase of sacred rebellion, in which one marks out their footing in the world detached from parental and societal expectations. A desire for independence and identity starts to develop as we embark on a voyage of self-discovery which is often marked by terrible haircuts and even worse sartorial choices.

Of course, this rebellion against authority and societal norms is driven moreso by a deep desire to belong in the world, as opposed to radical self-expression. You will usually find that rude mullet or those ostentatious trousers are also worn by those who are like the teen or those that they wish to be like.

That's because, at this stage, there is still a desperate need for validation. This is why you often see groups divided along tribal lines in the playground: the goths, the jocks, the musos, and so on.

This is the part of the film playing in your minds eye, where you zoom in on my face… reeeeal slow. The vignette becomes sepia-toned until you can see the whites of my eyes.

Ya see kid *lights cigarette* most of society are the great pretenders of adulthood. They're stuck in adolescent behaviours, still obsessing too much about what people think about them. They divide themselves into groups like the influencers, the conformists, the outcasts, just like they did in high school. They're afraid to step into their true purpose, which is collective liberation. They're afraid to question the status quo, to feel into the totality of the human experience, and be true leaders. That's what adulthood is really about.

Depth psychologist and wilderness guide Bill Plotkin estimates only 20% of the Western world has made it to true adulthood. I would wholeheartedly agree. A liberated person is both comfortable with intimacy and free from teenage angst (often manifesting as tribalism). Such a person is a rare find.

When you consider the conveyor belt of the Empire, it is no surprise we have landed ourselves in this uncanny valley. At no point in school, university or places of work are we taught what it means to be a truly compassionate human being, with a strong sense of self, that can relate to others in healthy ways.

Outside of the context of religious schools does anyone remember learning about the importance of forgiveness? Empathy and kindness? Hell, I’ll even take basic communication skills! We are set up so badly for adulthood it is no wonder we leave almost two decades of education as fugitives of our true nature.

Colonialism and its offshoots of capitalism and neoliberalism are systems that perfectly mirror adolescent stages of development. And just like adolescent people, adolescent systems are characterised by a focus on individualism, competition, and the pursuit of immediate gratification.

They both prioritise reckless growth and accumulation without always considering the long-term consequences or the well-being of the whole system. As above, so below.

In contrast, a more mature or "adult" system might prioritise sustainability, cooperation, and the delicate fragility of all its ecosystems. It would also emphasise long-term planning and the integration of diverse perspectives, rather than short-term gains and individualistic pursuits.

It’s no wonder when people have powerful awakenings there is no way to meaningfully integrate them apart from slipping into the shadow realms of New Age spirituality (I here, stand guilty as charged).

You’re not becoming spiritual, you’re just becoming grown

If we reframe what we in the Western world see as "spiritual" to simply "growing up," we might have a better chance of bringing the rest of the Western world along on this cosmic journey of r/evolution with us.

Our world is made up of myths, and the myth of contemporary Western spirituality is being found to not have any trousers on.

Encouraging disassociation and disembodiment through escapism into the spirit world has subdued our uprising against oppressive systems, soothing us into submission as consumers with the opiating balm of hyperindividualism.

On top of that, when we do feel the weight of the colonial world manifest as anxiety, depression and burnout we are pathologised and have prescription pills thrown at us quicker than we can say “Maybe I just need to slow down”.

No questioning of rigid systems that sever us from our natural rhythms, no rehumanising in community, no unlearning harmful cultural programming.

Just a couple Prozac’s and a mental health plan to patch you right up so you can go back to being a good worker.

How do we create a new story of empowerment? In all honesty, we don’t need any new stories to reclaim our power; we simply need to remember and embrace the old stories and rituals of connection, community, and interdependence that have been buried beneath the rubble of modernity.

In many indigenous societies, a specific ceremony marked the transition through each stage of life, signifying a jump in awareness and responsibilities. These rites of passage were deeply meaningful, guiding individuals into their new roles within the community and reinforcing the natural law.

Today, reviving such rituals could help us reconnect with our own journey of growth and deepen our sense of belonging and purpose.

Most importantly, it will help us recognise the ritual into adulthood is not marked by getting lit on vodka cruisers but by embracing the wisdom of those who have walked before us; by integrating the lessons of our experiences, and by stepping into our responsibilities with intention and reverence.

The unfortunate truth is that true adults are very rare in contemporary society. Adulthood is not defined by having a job, owning a house or even starting a family. In fact, you can have all of these labels; homeowner, parent, manager, and still be an actual child - on a soul level.

True adulthood is marked by 4 hallmarks:

• Knowing who you are

• Knowing why you are here

• Using the two to dismantle oppressive systems

• And being able to express yourself cleanly

In other words, if you do not understand your deepest self - beyond the roles and labels society gives you, or know what role you have to play in the larger web of life - and use this self-awareness and sense of purpose to make a positive impact on the world, you probably fail to make the mark.

When we have powerful spiritual experiences that allow us to see beyond the matrix of our culturescape we begin to understand there are powerful metaphysical forces at play. These experiences are designed to bring us to the heart of who we are.

Everything and everyone is constantly trying to become more of itself.

The mythic world is communicating this to us through our dreams, synchronicities and ancestors, beckoning us to bring more harmony into the world through our sacred purpose. Unfortunately, a meaningfully purposeful life is not easy to find in a distracted world.

In fact, it is somewhat of a miracle when it is found, given how challenging it is for many of us to simply be present for our experiences. When we do, we enter into a realm of unlimited possibility, our callings both buffering us against the madness of the world, and inviting us to dance through life with luminosity and delight.

My personal belief is, we all have a gift we are here to bring to the world. And finding this gift is not just for ourselves but for those who receive it as we connect to the deeper currents and rhythms that thread through us.

It may be difficult to discern, it may be covered in dirt, but this gift is inside us all, shining with possibility.

The three basic tenets; knowing who you are, knowing why you are here and blending the two in pursuit of a better world is no mean feat. Well, it may be difficult for the ego but it isn’t for the soul.

In the Four Ways of Knowing I outlined a model that helps us develop our understanding of the human experience outside of our rational psychological paradigm and looks at how we can use somatic, spiritual and soul-centric lenses as ways in which we can cultivate wholeness.

Our culture is primarily in the paradigm of the psyche, where materialism and rationality reign supreme. And until we can cultivate deeper authenticity through somatic, spiritual and soul awareness it will be nigh on impossible to cultivate wholeness and into the mature beings the earth dreamed us to be.

Livin La Vida Elder

If only 20% of contemporary Western society has made it to adulthood then I guess there is even a significantly lower number of Elders truly holding it down. In all honesty, I struggle to even speak the characteristics of a true elder. For me, it’s a felt experience, and one I’ve only had in the presence of Indigenous mob.

The wisdom keepers of Aboriginal Australia play a unique role in their community. Through their ceremonial inductions and acknowledgement in the community, they help younger generations along their journey through the seasons of life and bridge the gap between the village, the land, the ancestors, and the spirit realms.

Elders are often seen as the living libraries of knowledge, carrying stories, lore, and practical wisdom that are essential for the survival and thriving of their communities. As I mentioned previously, in a truly healthy society there would be no need for coaches, therapists and wellness gurus.

It’s one of the reasons why I bring my medicine through community.

When nature’s divine intelligence is honoured and we embrace the seasons of life, cultivate wholeness and honour each stage through rites of passage we give ourselves the best possible chance of living the protopian dream we all know is possible.

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