The 4 Hallmarks of Adulthood
How to tell if you have truly grown up.
Most people will never reach adulthood.
Most people will follow the cultural script of conformity and never challenge their conditioned beliefs. Beliefs that were programmed in to them by a culture that nurtures obedient taxpayers instead of authentic souls.
From nuclear families, through the school system and right through the Great Con of our time - the 40 hour working week, we are systematically conditioned to live a life of obedience and conformity.
This conditioning is bone deep, and to cultivate wholeness & a soul-rooted life is something we need to pull up our sleeves and fight for - if we really want it.
In the 4 Stages of Life I gave an overview of the different stages. In this piece I want to zoom in on just one, or more precisely, the threshold between two stages: adolescence and adulthood.
The fact that you are reading this means you are either at the precipice of reaching adulthood or you have already crossed that threshold.
Bill Plotkin, wilderness guide and depth psychologist, believes only 20% percent of people in the western world make it past adolescence and in to adulthood:
Getting older by itself does not cause us to mature psychologically. Adolescence is not at all confined to our teen years… an adult is someone who understands why [they are] here on Earth, why [they were] born, and is offering [their] unique contribution to the more-than-human world.
Below, you will find the four Hallmarks of Adulthood that I’ve created for you to use in determining if you have reached this elusive stage in Western culture.
I’ve distilled this knowledge from 5 years of working in the Rites of Passage space having run thousands of workshops - and have weaved in Ken Wilbers Integral theory, indigenous initiatory wisdom and various other psychological models of ego development.
If we look around it’s very easy to see that our systems are not set up to support human and planetary thriving. In our dominator culture; what is rewarded is profit, status and short term gain over balance, harmony and long term stewardship.
The majority of people that run our systems of governance; which are adolescent systems in and of them selves, are literal children. MAN BABIES if you wanna to get colloquial.
Take the recent presidential debate:
BIDEN: You’re going to see he’s six-foot-five and only 225 pounds – or 235 pounds.
TRUMP: (inaudible).
BIDEN: Well, you said six-four, 200.
TRUMP: (inaudible).
BIDEN: Well, anyway, that’s – anyway, just take a look at what he says he is and take a look at what he is.
Look, I’d be happy to have a driving contest with him. I got my handicap, which, when I was vice president, down to a 6.
And by the way, I told you before I’m happy to play golf if you carry your own bag. Think you can do it?
TRUMP: That’s the biggest lie that he’s a 6 handicap, of all.
BIDEN: I was 8 handicap.
TRUMP: Yeah.
BIDEN: Eight, but I have – you know how many…
TRUMP: I’ve seen your swing, I know your swing.
(CROSSTALK)
BASH: President Trump, we’re going to…
(CROSSTALK)
TRUMP: Let’s not act like children.
BIDEN: You are a child.
I think we all know where the trend in this discourse is heading….
No. The state of your broken society is not an issue here. Nor are the multiple genocides you are sponsoring through proxy wars. The obesity crisis, the opioid crisis, the homelessness crisis or creeping authoritarianism and corporate monopolies.
The most pressing matter at that moment in time was who has the better golf swing.
In my eyes, psychopaths and children have a lot in common. I don’t think Biden and Trump were aware of just how right they were when they referred to each other as children - even a broken clock is correct twice a day.
This comparison underscores the stages of human development and the need for growth beyond such limited perspectives.
As we mature our awareness expands from childish narcissism (me), to adolescent tribalism (us), to a holistic adulthood (we) and cosmological (all) understanding, with elders connected to all living things that have been and gone, land, and spirits.
Narcissism is the hallmark of the child as it doesn’t have the means to defend itself. The human baby is the most vulnerable mammal there is, yet some of us never grow out of this stage. Some of us may revert back to it when we are highly triggered.
This is why you act like a child when things don’t go your way, as you are regressing to the age when the wounding originally happened. If you go through life without doing a lick of self inquiry, but you have mastered the game of commercial success, you will have no struggles compromising your morals in order to get ahead.
Bezos, Musk, Trump, these people all have two things in common. They are children stuck in adolescent systems, with highly developed communication skills that allow them to navigate the monopoly world of power and influence.
Quick note: I am currently taking 33 fellow truth-seekers on a Soul Accelerator - a 3 month course that enables them to heed the call of their inner compass. This article is one of the teachings we will be doing a deep dive into at the end of the month.
The 4 Hallmarks of Adulthood
Self Awareness - You know who you are
This awareness is informed by deep shadow work and self-inquiry. If you ask an adult who they are, they will be able to answer you with clarity and conviction.
This self knowing is informed by something much deeper than a job title or conventional label. It is supported by your core tenets, what drives you, what mission you are on, what triggers you, what you are cultivating within yourself and more.
As you can see, self-awareness is not just something that falls on your lap if you are running the default cultural setting. It takes choosing yourself, it takes healthy relationships, it takes a thriving community and it takes years of study and practice.
Soul Purpose - You know where you are going
You have a clear idea of where you are going, and this direction is informed by a desire for a better world for all.
This is why political and cultural awareness is so important - you cannot numb yourself from oppressive systems and focus solely on “doing me/us”, you need to know the game you are playing in order to actively engage and challenge its injustices.
A true adult does not ignore the perilous fate of humanity. They dive deep, not only into their personal shadow; but also into the collective shadow, alchemising grief when confronting the polycrisis into fuel for collective liberation.
The journey from adolescent consciousness to adult consciousness is a jump from ego-awareness to eco-awareness. This requires an intimate appreciation for equality. Locally and globally. Not just equality for rich middle class people but for all living beings around the world.
This is why I believe New Age spirituality is so toxic.
When a philosophy is created in a synthetic culture and is a hodgepodge of various indigenous, eastern, and ancestral wisdom; ripped out of its collectivist context into an individualist one, it will lose its original depth and meaning.
This extraction leads to a superficial and distorted understanding that lacks the interconnectedness and communal grounding vital to these traditions.
The wisdom, originally embedded in a web of relationships and collective practices, becomes commodified reinforcing individualism and consumerism rather than fostering the holistic, communal, and spiritual values it once embodied.
The ego often blinds us to the suffering of others which is why it can be difficult to see beyond the myopic perspective of privilege. But the soul is always seeking ways to find itself, and once it does, wants to help humanity find its own.
Embodied Expression - Clean Communication
From a place of knowing who you are and where you are going, you can artfully express your needs and desires to those around you.
This embodiment of your true self allows you to engage authentically with others, creating connections that are rooted in understanding and empathy.
It transcends mere words, resonating through your actions and presence, embodying integrity and sincerity in every interaction.
The word that comes to mind here is transmission. A shift that happened in my life when this really landed, was expressing through opening my heart up to connect to a living force. This force can be in relation to my body, my soul, to another or to spirit.
Communicating at this level is not a cerebral process. It’s a felt process. And you can try this next time you are connecting with someone. See what it’s like to be truly present in the conversation.
Instead of wigging out over what you’re going to say next, just listen. Feel the words at the heart of what is being communicated.
You will find that if you are present and embodied while listening, you will know what the right thing to say is when it comes to sharing (or in some cases, not say).
Requisite Purging - Letting Go
You have a sacred responsibility to heal yourself from the trauma that comes with being ripped out of your natural habitat. You need to take responsibility for your life, and you need to purge what is keeping you stuck in habitual patterns of numbing and dissociation.
Or not.
The reality is you don’t have to do anything. But I’m guessing the reason you are here and still reading, is because you are interested in your souls journey and want to thrive in this lifetime, not just survive.
This begins by addressing any issues you are facing at the root of its cause. In the same way we address cultural issues at the root cause (colonisation and adolescent systems of governance) we do the same for ourselves.
Anything less is the same as prescribing script medication for a soul level ailment.
Not doing so is causing you to stay disempowered and in victimhood consciousness. Now, there are traumas and challenges that cause such grievances that they will take a lot of time and a lot of support in order to heal.
And there are also systemic barriers many people face when it comes to getting to the support they need. I am not speaking to those and trust you will use your own discretion here.
What I am speaking to is the need for regular cathartic practices that allow us to let go.
All healing is letting go, and the somatic imprint that is left on us as a result of trauma needs to be tended to at this level. This is why a lot of mainstream therapy is simply not sufficient at addressing chronic issues.
We cannot CBT our way out of the multi-dimensional quality of being alive. We have a body that feels, a mind the sees and a soul that knows. These all need to be addressed in an appropriate container and integrated in a community that supports us.
There are vampires that suck our life force that all of us need to confront at some stage. You know what yours are. The soul sucking habits that pull you from an inability to be truly present and welcome the deep now in all its totality.
What I’m basically trying to say is; you can’t be out here trying to claim you’re an adult while puffing cherry vapes and popping pingers every weekend instead of facing your demons.
You’re not becoming spiritual. You’re just becoming grown.
The concept of growing up and the hallmarks of true adulthood are so foreign to us in our infantilised culture we create whole identities over our spiritual experiences that awaken us to a new perspective.
This grounded, balanced and holistic approach is something I hope will be a little easier to digest.
It also stops us from falling in to the traps of the mind. Ego will always try to orient itself itself within the matrixes it creates, such as illusions of separation, superiority, and safety.
That’s why the ego exists. To keep us safe from out there. But all the fun happens out there. Out there, and deep within.
These realms represent the qualities of the human experience that are foreign.
And all that is foreign is deemed dangerous in the matrix of the ego.
Sounding familiar?
These matrixes then manifest in the culture as rigid belief systems and hierarchical structures that perpetuates a sense of disconnection from ourselves and the totality of the human experience as well as the living, breathing animate world.
And all that is foreign is deemed dangerous in the matrix itself.
It’s no surprise then that our ego based dominator cultures continue to push war, control and exploitation as if there’s no other choice. Mental supremacy severs us from our intuition, somatic intelligence and the soul wisdom that feels something is off.
We have a body.
We are a soul.
We have a mind.
We are of spirit.
And we are interconnected to the larger web of life. Your pain is my pain. Your suffering is my suffering. My joy is your joy.
Which is why I put a lot of effort and time in to encouraging you, as artfully as possible, to sing the song that only you know how to sing.
It’s time to join the cosmic choir of our time.
Find the Others here.
Really connected with this section. Something I believe many people refuse to face, thus undermining the collective. Thank you for putting this on the table.
'... political and cultural awareness is so important - you cannot numb yourself from oppressive systems and focus solely on “doing me/us”, you need to know the game you are playing in order to actively engage and challenge its injustices.'
Probably my favourite read of yours so far. This part striking a chord with me:
"You have a sacred responsibility to heal yourself from the trauma that comes with being ripped out of your natural habitat. You need to take responsibility for your life, and you need to purge what is keeping you stuck in habitual patterns of numbing and dissociation."